Monday, November 28, 2005

I: 002

chilly first date --
she scrapes
my windshield

9 Comments:

At November 28, 2005 11:33 AM, Blogger david giacalone said...

Return visitors might note that this senryu has been edited from:

frigid first date
she scrapes
my ice windshield


Roberta Beary was good enough to email me with a suggestion that the original posted version of this poem didn't need either "frigid" nor "icy", since scraping the windshield makes the point.

I believe taking out both adjectives would make the poem too ambiguous (e.g., is she in a hurry to get back to my place? trying to make a good impression?) But, I agree with Roberta that "icy" is redundant. Also, on reflection, "chilly" works better than the connotation and alliteration of using "frigid."

Do you agree with my basic notion that a senryu is usually more closed and opinionated than a haiku. The author of a senryu is suggesting a viewpoint along with the observation -- even if also prodding the reader to disagree.

 
At November 28, 2005 1:17 PM, Blogger bigshoulders said...

i like the revised version. i'm new to haiku/senryu/tanka but i enjoy it and love the way just a few syllables can convey loads of thought. thanks for the good read.

b.s.

 
At November 28, 2005 1:55 PM, Blogger dustin said...

nice stuff.

 
At November 28, 2005 5:00 PM, Blogger david giacalone said...

Thank you, b.s. and Dustin.

I've been wondering whether Dustin's mom used to like his School Photos.

 
At November 28, 2005 5:13 PM, Anonymous ed markowski said...

david,
i agree with roberta.


city rain
the gleam of the street lights
in her patent leather shoes

 
At November 28, 2005 7:58 PM, Anonymous ed markowski said...

haiku or senryu? and why?


first date
her house the last
on a dead end street


stray cat
its tail curls
into a ?


winter solstice
we discuss the odds
of finding his birth mother*

* published in modern haiku spring
2003

 
At November 28, 2005 10:24 PM, Anonymous Prof. Yabut said...

Edward, Back in my day, you could only give terse answers, with no explanation, if you agreed with the Host. Otherwise, you had some 'splainin' to do. Feel free to give us your theories about the senryu genre.

 
At November 28, 2005 10:44 PM, Blogger Anonymous Poet said...

Is this literal? Or a metaphor? Or, maybe, both?

 
At November 28, 2005 10:56 PM, Blogger david giacalone said...

Dear Anonymous Poet, All I can say is "yes."

 

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