I: 002
chilly first date --she scrapes
my windshield
posted by david giacalone @ 7:51 AM
Monday, November 28, 2005
david giacalone ("dagosan") looks at the foibles and ironies of the human condition, using poems structured like haiku but called "senryu", and with an occasional photo "haiga" (an image with a linked poem).
About Me
- Name: david giacalone
- Location: United States
. haiku advocate trying to keep a Beginner's Mind ... former lawyer-mediator...... editor of f/k/a weblog ... Born 1949, but a few body parts occasionally feel much younger.. . . a/k/a dagosan
Previous Posts
8 Comments:
Return visitors might note that this senryu has been edited from:
frigid first date
she scrapes
my ice windshield
Roberta Beary was good enough to email me with a suggestion that the original posted version of this poem didn't need either "frigid" nor "icy", since scraping the windshield makes the point.
I believe taking out both adjectives would make the poem too ambiguous (e.g., is she in a hurry to get back to my place? trying to make a good impression?) But, I agree with Roberta that "icy" is redundant. Also, on reflection, "chilly" works better than the connotation and alliteration of using "frigid."
Do you agree with my basic notion that a senryu is usually more closed and opinionated than a haiku. The author of a senryu is suggesting a viewpoint along with the observation -- even if also prodding the reader to disagree.
i like the revised version. i'm new to haiku/senryu/tanka but i enjoy it and love the way just a few syllables can convey loads of thought. thanks for the good read.
b.s.
Thank you, b.s. and Dustin.
I've been wondering whether Dustin's mom used to like his School Photos.
david,
i agree with roberta.
city rain
the gleam of the street lights
in her patent leather shoes
haiku or senryu? and why?
first date
her house the last
on a dead end street
stray cat
its tail curls
into a ?
winter solstice
we discuss the odds
of finding his birth mother*
* published in modern haiku spring
2003
Edward, Back in my day, you could only give terse answers, with no explanation, if you agreed with the Host. Otherwise, you had some 'splainin' to do. Feel free to give us your theories about the senryu genre.
Is this literal? Or a metaphor? Or, maybe, both?
Dear Anonymous Poet, All I can say is "yes."
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